Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A Declaration of Independence

"I called to apologize. I guess I said some things that hurt your feelings, though I can't think of anything I've ever said that's hurt you."
"You said I looked old and ugly."
"Well, have you looked in a mirror lately?"
**part of an actual phone conversation I had yesterday

You won't be shocked to know that the next line in this conversation was NOT "Alrighty then, apology accepted." A little clarification, I was the old and ugly one in this conversation, not the apologizer - and that last line was not said in a joking manner and the apologizer didn't see the irony of their statement. This conversation degenerated from that auspicious beginning to a 45 minute litany of everything I've done wrong, real or imagined, in the last twenty years. I was angry the caller dissed me and hubs, but when they brought my kids into the rant, my mama bear rose up and I knew it was all over. I think what upset the caller the most was that instead of curling up and backing down like I have in the past, this time I shot right back. As upset as I am over the phone call, I'm glad it happened. It showed me that these issues aren't mine, I'm dealing with an abusive person who refuses to look in the mirror. After putting up with this kind of stuff for longer than I want to think about, yesterday I knew it was time to stop it. If someone wants to wallow in their own poison, that's their decision, but it's my decision to refuse to be dragged into that pit with them. I'm distancing myself from this kind of crap, I don't need or want that kind of abuse, pain and sadness in my life any longer. I've always had self-confidence issues (probably from the kinds of conversations shown above) but I'm working hard to overcome that. You know what? I'm an awesome person, with an awesome husband and kids and awesome friends. I refuse to let someone try to take that happiness away.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are wonderful. We love you. Hubs

JeanieC said...

Geez, and I just had to hear how my shoes are ugly. ;-)

Honestly, DD, you managed to stay on the phone about 40 minutes longer than I think I could have. Good for you for putting that kind of crapola out of your life.

sissy said...

Oh, DD, I went through the same thing for years with "family" and I use that word loosely. I, too, have distanced myself from them and I am happier than I've ever been. I love reading about you and your family. You have the most interesting life. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

DD I think there is some serious issues that are very deep here and until you find out for yourself these feeling won't go away no matter how hard you try to ignore or put them to sleep. This is much deeper than your owning it, it sounds like this just didn't start 20 yrs ago!!!! You need for your sake FRIST to get some professional advice (there is help out there to help with this) to get to the bottom before this relationship goes to the way side and I don't really think you want that as much as you want us to beleive. Life is to short and precious for someone to live with heartaches as you seem to be. If your are a child of God and beleve than you know what the answer is. You owe it to yourself and your family, think hard about this and do the right thing before its too late!!!!! God Bless You and trust in the Lord.

Delia DeLeest said...

I have done the right thing. If I had decided to quit smoking or drinking because I realized it was toxic to my body, I would be applauded. When I realized that a person was toxic to my mind and soul, I quit them, like I would any other harmful substance. I have too much respect for the life that God gave me to harm it with poisonous things, this includes poisonous people. So, by ending this relationship, it's out of respect for the great gift of life that God gave me. By ending the relationship now, just as the abuser was beginning to do the same things to my children that he'd been doing to me, I corrected two things, I ended my life of being an abuse victim and spared my children from suffering the same things I'd suffered. I did us all a favor.

~DD

Anonymous said...

I think POISON is a very harsh word. You say you are a child of God in my world I don't think my God would look to proudly on the way you and this person are handling this. For one thing you can't handle issues you been having for over 20 yrs on a phone call. If this person has been hurting you as long as you say, this person has been in your life for a while then and if they didn't know they were hurting you how can they fix it. Now after 20 yrs you drop this in there lap and expect them to remember all the things that hurt you and want them to apologze for them, well can you remember everything you did 20 yrs ago and what you might have said to someone that you might have hurt them and you know we all have said and hurt others but you fix them not 20yrs later. You both need to give a litte and meet in the middle talk face to face and find out just what is and has caused these issures as this isn't just a little matter, some how you need to get to the bottom of this and put an end to your differences and go forward as you can't change the past but you can put it to rest and control the future thats what my God would expect of me and any other Christian to do. If you truly feel in your heart and beleive that you are doing the right thing and can live with this kind of decesion to put a person that has been in your life a long time and just throw it to the way side because you and this person wouldn't get to the bottom, no matter how hard you try this wouldn't go away you can beleive and think its gone but in you heart and mind it will always be there and the day will come when it might be to late and you didn't take the time to change it. You say that you respect the gift of life that came from God, in my world our parents are the ones God put here to bring us into this world with the gift of life and made us his children and live by his commandments. You know no one is perfect we all have ghost in our closets. No you did not do all of you a favor, this person is a child of God not a habit as smoking,drinking,or drugs, and this person made some mistake and yes should be responsible for there actions, some of this you need to own also. You say you did the right thing think real hard on that answer and pray to God to give you the strength to do the right thing here. Remember you and this person are children of God and not some habit!!!!! Also think hard becasue in my eyes these children have had a relationship with this person also and they shouldn't have to be the victims from the differences you two have had. God guide you on the right path and beleive me life is to short to hold hate. Do the right thing here and talk it out and put it to rest it takes a strong person to step up to the plate first and you might have to be that person now. No matter what this just didn't start from that conversation something back in your life has happem and you haven't taken care of it. When we have these issure and let them eat at us as long as you have and think they can just be fixed by a phone call and apology without talking them thru it just don't happen that way trust me I have had my time in life where I needed to step up and take it and put it to rest so that I could go on with my life now and not have that over my head as this person is no longer with us and between you and me this was my Dad and I rest at ease now. I don't know who this person is to you but I just want you to know that your not the only one who has been abused in there life. But you have to forgive its not saying that you forget but you put it way back in the mind and let it rest and go on as a conselor once told me, they do help as they get to the bottom of our problems in ways that people who know us and love us can't. God be with you.

Hannah said...

I don't think the word "poison" is harsh at all. According to the dictionary, "poison" is something harmful or pernicious, as to happiness or well-being. The example they give is the poison of slander. If this person is diminishing her happiness, this person is a poison. As for the religious aspect, what a good religious person would do is, rather than turn the other cheek, simply take the cheek away. A true child of God would distance themselves from negative influences in their life. Rather than being in fights and turning the other cheek, a better alternative would be to turn away from the fight, as DD did. I also know that DD has made many attempts to rectify the situation, although the situation was not her fault. These attempts have been ignored. In the Bible it does indeed say that parents are to be loved and cherished. However, this is a two way street. Parents are supposed to support their children in everything they do and love them unconditionally. Regardless of whether or not this person is a "child of God" is irrelevant. When one person hurts another intentionally, it is cruel and malicious. In reference to the analogy of a bad habit, if someone you knew was an alcoholic and was always drunk and hitting you and you're family, you would try to fix it and, if that failed, distance yourself from that person. This isn't a case of spite, it is a case of regard for one's safety and the safety of one's family. I believe the one with the harmful addiction is the abuser in this case. I commend DD for realizing that this person is dangerous and thinking of her family. As far as DD's children being victims, I disagree. As one of those 'victims' myself, I do not feel victimized. I have never felt close to this person because they have never attempted a relationship with me. My birthday and Christmas were the only times this person acknowledged my existence, and I don't even celebrate Christmas or believe in the Pagan ideals behind the holiday. At first when I thought of this I was sad that this person had never attempted to spend time with me. I'm still sad about this, but not for me. I am sad for the person who has not tried to make a connection. I am sad because he will never know what I'm like. He'll never know my dreams and aspirations. He'll never know me. And for that, I truly pity him. As you said, it's important to forgive people. I agree very much with this. However, if you fall into a den of lions, although you may forgive them for trying to eat you, it doesn't mean you're going to go jump in the den. Forgiveness does not mean you should go back for more abuse. I think DD will, if she hasn't already, forgive this person because she understands that some people simply don't know any better. Going back into the lion's den, though, would be completely illogical. I think I am safe in inferring that you are the previous "anonymous" poster, I would like to comment on a statement you made. You said "Life is to short and precious for someone to live with heartaches..." I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. I disagree with the context. I believe that by distancing herself from a person who is causing her heartache, she is eliminating that heartache in her life, not causing it. Thank you mom for teaching me to stand up for myself by showing me how.

Anonymous said...

I agree wholeheartedly with Hannah. I am appalled that someone would blame the victim for the abusers actions. That, in itself, is abuse. DD, apparently you can't even escape this abuse and manipulation on your own blog. I pray this abuser will love you enough to respect your decision and leave you alone.

Anonymous said...

This wasn't a matter of picking sides, or hurting anyone by responding to you, if you didn't want people to respone then you shouldn't put it out on your blog where anyone can read it. But thats not my concern, as I was relating to you and hoping to intervine and possibly get both of you to see where this is going before its was to late for reconciling, how sad these woundes are very deep.
I'll pray that God can intervene with this for both your sakes. Please except this as a person who cares and has feelings on matters like this. I feel for both of you, no one needs to hurt. I pray that somehow some way either party can look outside the box and maybe do something before it is to late. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Delia DeLeest said...

This doesn't have to be the end of it all. If my dad can realize that he isn't an innocent victim in all of this, but is, in fact verbally abusive and hurtful to the very people who care most about him, that would be a good start. Like an alcoholic needs to realize he's got a drinking problem before he can get help. Once Dad can own up to his hurtful ways and get counseling, the healing can begin. The counselors that have been told of my situation, one medical and one spiritual, have both commended me on this healthy move I've taken to better my life. When Dad goes to counseling and, not only finds out why he feels the need to hurt people, but then changes his ways, I'll be more than happy to open the lines of communication with him. Until then, this topic is closed.